Perpetual emotion machine (thelastvoice) wrote in nonbpd,
Perpetual emotion machine

Help... need support

I have jsut discovered this LJ, and I need advice badly. have already gotten a lot from BPDcentral amd friends. I am in the middle of an embroiling situation with my ex-GF and mother of our child, who has BPD, and as I write this, I am sitting in my mother's apartment, afraid to go home.

It would take too long to explain everything from the beginning, but the gist of it is that the separation has been several months in the making, but the situation between us is not without its pitfalls. She believes me to be an abuser of our daughter, and an incident this morning culminated in a dangerous situation which caused me to leave the premises later.

I would like to point out that our relationship as common law spouses was not without its physical confrontations on both sides, but the allegations she makes about me regarding our daughter are untrue. I will also admit that I am not as useful a parental unit as I should be, although I cannot say how much of that is is a result of hings that she has said to me that became self-fulfilling prophesies. Suffice it say that I have never abused my daughter, but occasionally I become frustrated with her.

I'm trying to be totally honest here.

If anyone is seriously reading this with the intention of replying, you can read her account of today's events here: My account is somewhat different. For starters:

1) I did not throw Drew. I was picking her up to get her ready for a bottle, but then she bucked and fell from a standing position onto a pillow on the bed.

2) My rememberance is that my ex was not looking directly at her when this happened, and may have even had her back turned at the time. The memory is hazy though, in hindsight.

The end result of all of this was me leaving the apartment, and some time later, a lenghty MSN conversation took place between us, the bulk of which was her trying various tactics to get me to come home, saying I stole her mother's allowance check (the money goes into my account, but I did use it for groceries for the house, diapers, formula and wipes), threatening to call the police on me (it was a bluff) and insinuating that she needed to go to a hospital and that I needed to come home and care for Drew.

My problem is this: I resisted the idea of coming home on many fronts. One because I didn't feel safe with her, two because there was a terrible thunderstorm out, and three because I left home without enough money to get back. There are other reasons as well, not the least of which was, in spite of her feelings that she could not take care of drew properly, I knew she would not do anything to harm Drew (after all I'm the one she wants to hurt, not her). Drew for her part was upset becuase her mother was upset, but me going home and getting in another argument would not be any better. And that would certainly happen, since she never lets things lie, especially.

There is a lot more to say, but I will provide more specific info when the replies come in. THe way we left it was her telling me I had 3 days to get my stuff out of the apartment, or she was gonna chuck everything of mine (even though that's illegal). For the last 2 hours I have had no contact with her.

I need to be away from her, but of course she seems unstable at the moment, and will no doubt hold Drew and her idea of my abuse of her over my head for all time. I did nothing. I appeal to anyone for something helpful so I can stop having this anxiety attack about what she might do.

I have already been told that I should talk to a lawyer ASAP, as well as a counsellor, and have decided to do so. Just looking for some additional support I guess.
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